I remember years ago talking with a friend about sin. Everyone sins, and some worse than others, and all in different ways and to varying degrees. I remember feeling somewhat frustrated because I had come to realize that people often view me as "Little Miss Perfect" and some have even called me that to my face, both as an insult and as a little joke. I knew of course that I'm not perfect and never will be. But I was having a hard time convincing certain people of it. My problem was this: I didn't know what my "sin-issue" was, so how could others! Now before you start calling me names and judging me, just hear me out. In my eyes, and many others' eyes, I had no trouble with the "biggies":
1. Have no other gods before God. 2. No idols. 3. Don't take the Lord's name in vain. 4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. 5. Honor your father and mother. 6. Don't murder. 7. Don't commit adultery. 8. Don't steal. 9. Don't bear false witness against your neighbor. 10. Don't covet what's not yours. Exodus 20:3-17 No problem! I have a great marriage, I'm not the type to spend too much money or buy too much stuff, I got good grades in school, I don't use foul language or drink or smoke. I don't keep the cleanest house, but I'm working on it. I am a stay-at-home mom. I loved my first daughter and was good to her. So what was it? For a long time I just figured it was that I don't spend time with the Lord like I ought. Then I had our second daughter. And I also started watching my nephew who was six months older than my baby. And everything changed. I became what I said I'd never become: I became my moms. My mom wasn't around for most of my childhood, but the few memories I have of her when my parents were still married and living together are of her screaming at us. While I can pick out some very fond memories of kindness from her, she was a mess. A lost mess. In recent years she has come to know the Lord and we are building a beautiful relationship! Unfortunately, my early years were tainted by a terrible example of a mother. After their divorce when I was about five, my dad raised us four siblings on his own and as such, worked a lot. He didn't have time or energy to properly deal with obedience and training, so he would on occasion blow his lid, too. For the most part, though, he was extremely gracious and fun and loving and caring. I have an admiration and love and respect for my dad that is unparalleled, even though we see so differently on some very big issues, namely, salvation. When I was eight, he started seeing another woman who moved in with us and stayed with us for seven years. If I thought my mom was bad, I was sorely mistaken. In all those seven years, I don't remember a single "motherly" moment. I'm sure there may have been times, but my whole memory of time spent with her is primarily that of an angry, unloving, unkind woman. This lady was the queen of guilt-trip, throw-it-in-your-face, screaming, bitterness who would go so far as to injure herself and call the police to try to get my dad arrested. As the years have passed, she has worked very hard on changing her ways, and is much more calm and compassionate and gentle now, for which I am very thankful. Unfortunately, as she was the only mother-figure I had from the time I was eight until I was fifteen, the damage of "example" had been done. When I agreed to watch my 9-month-old nephew, I figured all would be just fine! I'd love him like he was mine. And I did. But, the stress of having my own infant, and newly homeschooling my 3yo just built up and brought out in me my very worst. I continued to get more and more short-tempered, I began yelling at my daughter, and becoming so angry I would pound my fist on the table hard enough to bust blood vessels in my hand. I knew I needed help the day I was playing with my littlest girl, who was right around one year by then, on the couch and she threw her head back into my face. It hurt so badly I wanted to scream and cry. I grabbed her and not-so-gently laid her on the couch. I didn't hurt her, but in my pain and anger I surely wanted to react in a violent manner. By God's amazing grace, He controlled my anger enough to lay her down in such a way she didn't get hurt, and I didn't have anything to regret other than allowing myself to become so angry. That night, I called a meeting in my living room with six of my most trusted counselors: my husband, my best-friend and her husband, my Pastor and his wife, and a godly woman who has been my trainer-in-proper-parenting. I confessed to them my outburst, asked for forgiveness and prayer and counsel. I asked them to keep me accountable. Things improved immediately, but not 100 percent. I still struggle with anger. I have been angry so long now, that I have all-but-completely forgotten how to speak in a gentle tone toward my kids. I still get angry over stupid things like math problems and spilled milk. Not as often, but I still pound my fist on the table. What is so heart-breaking to me is that my oldest has now lived with an angry mother for more years than I lived with my dad's angry lady. I constantly pray that she will somehow be able to break free from the bondage that holds me captive. I tell her constantly how I pray she grows up to become a mom who has kindness and compassion toward her kids and that she forgets the example of anger in parenting. In the meantime, I am working constantly, striving, yearning, for the day I myself break free from this bondage. One thing I am doing is trying to identify my rage-triggers. I began this list in response to another woman in a Facebook group who also struggles with angry outbursts, and I didn't realize how many triggers I had until I started putting it down in print. These are in no particular order. 1) Sleep. If I don't get to bed until after 11-ish, I'm more likely to blow my lid the next day, even if I sleep in longer. 2) Getting up after the kids. I've discovered that I don't like my sleep interrupted. If the kids get up before me, climb into bed w/ me, start asking me tons of questions and expecting decisions, my whole day is off-kilter. I've found that if I am up & dressed before them, my mood is a ton better! 3) The internet. I get sucked into Facebook, and various other things, even useful things like hunting curriculum or planning stuff. It makes my day all goofy. We had no internet for two weeks recently and I was shocked at how much better my mood was and how much more we all got accomplished throughout the day! 4) Disobedience & fighting. If I don't stay right on-top of it with immediate consequences, and am having to say things twice, it infuriates me! We're all way better off if I just take care of the issue when it comes up! 5) Having a messy home. I look around and see a mess and I can blow! So having time scheduled in the day to get the house back in shape really helps. 6) Being late. I hate being late, but can't seem to be on time. Rushing to go somewhere puts unneeded pressure on everyone! 7) Not having food in the house. It makes making meals stressful, and makes me feel rushed to go to the store. Rushing stresses me out. If I just planned ahead to make sure we had groceries, it would remove this added stress and trigger. It helps to have a plan, too. I have dreamed of having a all-in-one cookbook that had every meal planned and grocery lists ready-to-go for an entire year! So I'm making one! Check it out here. 8) Not getting the daily schoolwork done. Getting a late or bad start to the day pushes everything back. It frustrates me so much to not get started on school until almost lunch time and then having to fight with the kids to get them to finish it, because somehow in their minds, school is over after lunch! (yeah, that's never been a rule in our house) I'm working on making sure to keep my triggers in control. I've realized that if I have not planned on removing the triggers, it doesn't matter how much I try or pray, I still blow my lid at my kids over stupid things! I realize that this post has made some of you very uncomfortable. You would never dream of screaming at your kids, calling them names, or roughly handling them. I never did, either. I'm sorry I ever have, and I seek forgiveness and healing daily! However, some of you needed to read this, to know that you're not alone, and that there are mothers out there who understand how hard it is to deal with this sin. We may not be drunks or thieves or adulterers, and may seem like we've got it all together from the outside, but we know we are sinful beasts just like the rest of humanity. Our sin is just a little more secret. I once heard a phrase, "The power of sin is in its secrecy." My encouragement to you moms out there who struggle with anger toward your children is to bring it to the light! Talk about it with a trusted adviser and friend. Seek prayer and forgiveness from your husband and your children. Seek accountability. Read the Word. Read books. Confess, repent, repeat. I have not mastered this. I pray each day that yesterday would be the last time I ever yell at my kids or speak harshly or sarcastically. I pray that God would give me a gentle and quiet spirit and that he would teach me how to be gentle and show grace to my children. One day, and with His strength, I'll be able to master this and break the chain of perpetuated sin. In the meantime, pray for me and my children, and if you ask, I'll pray for you and yours. May God richly bless you today.
1 Comment
Thank you for sharing so honestly!! I am sure that this will be both encouraging and convicting to many. I am praying for you!!! It takes courage to share something so personal that many people will not understand. Just know that many people WILL understand and that God will use your story and journey to bless others!! Myself included!!
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Crystalmommy & teacher to four daughters and two sons, & four asleep before birth Jump to These Posts!
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