If you've read my previous post about my issues with controlling my temper, it should not surprise you that this is an ongoing effort for me. More on this in a minute.
Recently, my bestie (who inspires all of my best ideas!) was telling me about this homeschool conference she went to and how she heard this lovely speaker discuss the importance of establishing good habits in ourselves and our children. I thought this was a great idea and had many in mind. The first habit I wanted to establish was spending time in God's Word daily. We made a sticker chart and I was, for the first time in years, faithful to spend time daily, even if but for a few minutes, in God's Word... well, I missed one day when I had a stomach bug of some kind, and the very last day... drat! And then, as things go, my daily time became more sporadic until I realized that it's been days, maybe a week, since I read God's Word. Then enter my bestie again. :) God truly does use her to speak to me! She heard a message about the importance of spending time in God's Word DAILY; that each day God has something for us for where we are in that moment. That day will never be recovered and we will never be "that person" who we were yesterday. Each day we are unique and going through unique circumstances. Each day God has something for us. This reminded me of God's manna, which He provided daily for the wandering Israelites. Each day they were to collect only enough for that day and whatever was left over must be tossed because it would be rotten the next morning. (Exodus 16) And that's how it is for us with our time with God. Each day He has manna from His Word, Bread from Heaven, for us that is good for only that day. The next day it will be of little to no use to us for the new day's circumstances. Don't misunderstand. God's Word is living and active! What we learn each day helps us every day! However, the unique lesson, encouragement, exhortation, correction that God has for us for that single day will not be able to impact and change our hearts to be more like Him if we do not go out and collect it! And of course, what we collect one day may not be what we need for the next day's needs. So this brings us to today. I woke up encouraged and decided that enough is enough! I need to be in the Word! I need my manna for today, because I am noticing that my ability to control my temper is diminishing each day I'm not in the Word. I sat down in my usual spot with my tea and prayed. I prayed that God would help me to control the rise of rage that comes on me when I get angry with the kids. I prayed God would make me a master over this sin rather than a slave to it. I prayed that Jesus would make Himself real to me in a deep way, the way He did when I came to faith. I prayed that He would speak into my sould as I read His Word. I prayed that He would help me lean on and into Him when those moments of anger rise up in me. I began in Proverbs 23 (today is the 23rd of June, also my bestie's birthday!) Then I began thinking of where to go next. My girls are studying Genesis 1-3 with the National Bible Bee Summer Study Program, so I thought I'd read that today. God has had me in James since I started my daily habit of being in the Word, which started in April! Each time I try to read elsewhere, He beckons me back to James. Today I thought maybe Genesis would be ok. Nope! Back into James I went! And this is why He had me in James today. As I was reading, I was considering my prayer and my struggle with anger. And I came to God's first tug at my spirit. James 1:5-8 NKVJ 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. Well, I knew I had prayed for wisdom, and mostly self-control and mastery, and I think I asked in faith... and I hoped I wasn't doubting, because I certainly don't want to be like the wave, tossed around. And surely I'm not a double-minded man, unstable in all my ways! God couldn't be telling me this! I'll just keep reading. I got stopped in my tracks again. James 1:12 NKVJ Blessed is the man who endures temptation, for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. God spoke to my heart. I am to endure the temptation to blow up at my kids in rage. I am to endure that feeling of rage welling up in me, and I am to take hold of it, actively choosing to reject it and choose grace and love. But how? I wondered as I read this. How am I going to do that? What does it even look like? The answer soon came. James 1:19-20 NKVJ 19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. I have meditated on this verse again and again as I've read through James over the past 3 months. But today, God was having this conversation with my heart as I read through James. This is "how". I am to slow down, not knee-jerk react, but to listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit and be slow to wrath. My outbursts of rage do not produce God's righteousness in myself or my children, either in their responses to me and eachother or by my example to them as they grow up. Then when I began feeling like this is just too hard for me, God's encouragement came. James 1:21 NKVJ Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and recieve with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. Reading this verse over the past few months, I reasoned that while I have sin and struggles, surely it is not "filthiness" and "wickedness"! But He showed and confirmed to me the truth in my prayer: that my rage literally is an overflow of wickedness and the only way to combat and master it is to recieve His word, daily, by spending time in prayer and in His Word. In the end, this will save me from my sin! But God reminded me further that it's not enough to just pray and read and voila! all my wrath and rage will disappear. James 1:22 NKVJ But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. I need to be active in living the truth I know is in me, and He WILL give me mastery over this. And He reminded me this is not a one-time thing. It's not going to just go away after one day of prayer and reading, even though I have prayed earnestly for Him to just take it away and heal me completely from it! James 1:25 NKVJ But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and coninues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. I need to be looking into God's law and abiding, walking, resting, and meditating in it continuously! I don't want to hear His law and promises and admonitions and forget them. I want to practice, know, memorize, and live them daily. God's blessing is then promised to me! He will bless my efforts and make them fruitful! And then He spoke firmly to the depth fo my heart. This is what conviction is. James 1:26 NKVJ If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one's religion is useles. My wild tongue is the worker and demonstrator of the sin and wickedness overflowing in me. If I think I am or will be a light in this world to my children or those around me, which I have assumed and even prided myself in, and I continue letting my wicked heart and tongue rage out of control, then I have deceived myself. I have indeed deceived myself. I am usless before God and man. My "religion" is not and will not be effective to reaching my children for Christ or being a witness to the world around me. That's a pretty harsh truth and I needed to hear it. Thank you, Lord! Work in me! In the end, God's Word is living! He is changing me, little by little. Today He reminded me that He does indeed not only hear my prayers, but He truly does care for me. He has had me in James for 3 months and it took me until today to see all this that He has been trying to teach me. Whether He has me continue in James tomorrow, I don't know. But I do know that His manna for today was more generous and vivid than I've EVER received. I am so thankful. He has been answering my prayers lately in a very clear way, and this is just one more example! Thank you, Lord!
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After writing my previous post on sacrifice, I felt like adding a little story of something that happened to me today.
No one saw it. No one knew. Just me, myself, and my Lord. I laid a sacrifice on the altar. And I didn't realize how much it would hurt until I did it. In one little click, I laid down a dream I thought I had given up years ago. My years in undergraduate schooling were spent learning all about nutrition and the field of dietetics, as well as food science. I loved it! From my childhood I had always had a deep interest in health, foods, and physiology. I didn't even know what a dietitian was until I was a senior in high-school, but when I heard of it, I knew it was for me! My attempts, however at becoming a dietitian were halted, as the school to which I applied that had a program for such things denied my application. I was instead accepted to the local California State University, Northridge... practically in my backyard. There went my dreams of "going away" to college. I had no other choice but to enroll. By the Lord's providence, and unknown to me until well into my first semester, CSUN had one of the most desirable nutrition programs in the nation! It was buried under another college name, so I didn't see it when I originally chose a major. Instead, I had opted for business administration. I quickly changed my major to nutrition and was so happy! I had big dreams. I would become an "RD" (Registered Dietitian), get my master's degree in prenatal, infant, & childhood nutrition, and open a practice counseling families with overweight children. I would also get married at some point and have a family, and send the children to a respected Christian private school. I would work on earning my Ph.D. and eventually teach at the University level. Around the time I switched my majors, I met the man who would become my husband. We married during the summer between my third and fourth year of school. Our first daughter came during my second-to-last semester (it took me six years to graduate). It was then that the Lord began changing my heart. I realized how much I loved being with my daughter at home, and even though my husband supported my dreams of a career, he also supported me when I decided I just couldn't put that precious gift into daycare. We never figured on my potential income as a source of finances for living, so it was not counted as a loss. The Lord also changed my heart toward homeschooling, and I never looked back... ...until today. As I was checking my email, I recieved a LinkedIn invitation from a lady I knew in college. We took almost all of our courses together and graduated together. I saw her profile picture and her name and remembered her immediately. Except there was something different about her name. It had these two letters following it: "R.D." My old school chum was now a Registered Dietitian. How I had dreamed of writing my name, "Crystal Turner, R.D." and one day, even adding "Ph.D." The message in the email was simple. It read, "I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn." Her professional network. She even looked like a dietitian. It struck me in a way I have not yet experienced. Suddenly, I was grieving the loss of a dream that will never be. I knew I had to fully give it over to God, which I had thought was a done-deal years ago when I began the adventure of home-schooling. I guess not. After taking a deep breath, I located the tiny-printed, faintly-colored word "unsubscribe". I would have to unsubscribe from all requests from LinkedIn to truly and fully sacrifice it. As much as I was honored this lady remembered me and thought enough of me to invite me into her circle of professional peers, I needed to lay this down on the altar of grace. God has given me a loving husband. He has blessed me with four amazing children. He has allowed us to raise our children the way He has led us. He has provided for us finanacially so that I can stay home and raise up soldiers for the Cross. Yes. Laying down my dreams as a offering of thankfulness to God for His work in my life is the thing to do. My heart began welling up with grief and longing for a different life which I will never know. However, as I began the process of removing myself from the LinkedIn list and deleting the email, and even writing this post, the grief is fading and is being replaced with joy and thankfulness for the life I do have. A fancy title, a private practice, and other people's children cannot ever compare with my titleless name, messy home, and my own children... and for my husband who still supports me. Sacrifice is hard. If it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be sacrifice. But it is ALWAYS worth it! Abigail, almost 8, is participating for the second year in the National Bible Bee over the summer. This year, we are studying the book of Jonah. It's been a great study! Did you know the story of Jonah is all about God's goodness? I didn't! I thought it was a lesson in obedience... well, it is that, but there is SO MUCH MORE!!! If you want a good study on Jonah, the Bible Bee makes "Sword Study" books for all age groups! But I digress. In her study, she was instructed to make a sacrifice to the Lord. Try explaining this to a 7.5 year-old! Bulls? Doves? Your first-born? Just kidding! So I explained it to her like this: A sacrifice is a something of great value to you. It could be money, an object, your time, a daily ritual, something you cherish deeply, something that would be terribly missed if it was gone. You give it up. But you don't just give it up for no reason. There must be a purpose! The purpose is usually one of two things: God told you to, or you want to bless someone else who would value it even more than you do. The result of your sacrifice is that you are acting in faithfulness to God, and/or you are blessing someone, both of which lead to you being blessed as a result. This is not to say you sacrifice something SO THAT you can be blessed... no, you sacrifice to honor God and/or bless someone. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense, sometimes you see no purpose for it, but you will be blessed for it, either now, or when you are standing before the King of Kings in His throne room and He looks upon you and declares, "Well done, good and faithful servant!" My daughter was having a very hard time with this. The one thing she felt was of such high value to her to give up was her precious Piggy... ...aww, isn't she sweet? This is her when she was about 2 and Piggy was still pink and still had a hat. (I cut it off on her 4th birthday. It seemed she only sucked her fingers when Piggy's hat was in her nostril! That did it! She never put her fingers in her mouth again! And yes, I still have it in her box of special things. :-) )
Piggy has seen some wear, but she still cherishes him deeply, so much so that she cried at just the thought of giving him up! I assured her that she didn't have to sacrifice Piggy, especially since there would be no purpose, but that I was glad she felt so sad at the thought of losing him, as that is exactly how a true sacrifice "might" feel, that is, if there weren't the joy of the Lord and the promise of blessing to make your sacrifice one of joy instead of sorrow! Days go by and still no opportunity for her to make a sacrifice presents itself--not to her at least. We made a run to the bank and we noticed a couple laying on the grass. They were dressed skimpily, him wearing only cut-off jean shorts, and her, a very loose-fitting top and shorts. We had been blessed by a friend-of-a-friend, who had made "homeless bags" (lots of info is out there on these, but here is a picture to give you a good idea) and given us 4 to give away (2 for men, and 2 for women... ya'know, girls need certain things guys don't... could you imaging getting your monthly visitor and being homeless and without anything to keep yourself clean? Just think on that a minute!) Backtrack 2 days... we are driving along and are stopped at a light RIGHT NEXT TO a woman sitting on the sidewalk with a sign. She was close enough that Abigail could've opened her window and given her that bag. I read her sign. In big letters were some words like "HELP" and "HOMELESS", but up in the corner I noticed some tiny letters that had I been another car-length away, I wouldn't have been able to see. They read, "Why lie? I want booze and weed." I was shocked, but not surprised. Let's just say, we kept our bag. It was our last bag, after-all, and I didn't exactly feel like I should part with it just yet. I didn't feel guilty about it, and explained to the kids why I wouldn't give her anything (usually I throw some money or a gift-card into the bags, depending on what I have with me at the time). They understood, and we went on. Back to the story-at-hand. Abigail right away asked if she could give the lady and her male friend a bag. After we went into the bank and the kids each gave the tellers a million-dollar-bill tract (hilarious, I know... one teller wanted to put it up in her window!) I gave Abigail the go-ahead, and she cautiously approached, and at my suggestion, asked, "Excuse me, are you in need?" The woman jumped up, surprised by the sudden question directed at her, and said they were in fact in-need. Abigail handed her the bag and to our wonder the lady burst into tears! She said, "Are you serious? Thank you so much! I can't believe this! Are you for real?" She was so ecstatic! We all had huge grins on our faces as she asked if she could hug each of us, and assured us she was clean, that they had just showered that morning. She squeezed much tighter than I think she realized ;-). She then told me that had just started going to church. I showed her the New Testament tucked in the bag, and she began calling us angels sent from Heaven! It's not everyday you feel like an instrument of the Lord! When Abigail told her about the Starbucks gift-card inside the bag, you would've thought she had just won a million dollars! Ironically, and unplanned, there was a Starbucks in the very same shopping center! She said we made her 4th of July! I had parked RIGHT in front of where they were, so as I was buckling up the kiddos I could hear her and her friend naming with enthusiasm each item she pulled out of the bag! "Socks! There are SOCKS in here!!! Oh my! Deodorant? I just ran out of deodorant! I can't believe this! Look at this!" It was then that I felt I should give them the $20 bill I had in my purse. I didn't know their story or status, but I felt like this couple wasn't going to go spend it on "booze and weed" (and believe me I smelled for it when she was hugging up on all of us!) So I walked around the car and handed her the $20 and suggested they go get some lunch. By now the man was on his feet, and she was LITERALLY truly jumping up and down holding the bill to her chest! More hugs and thank yous, but what came after I never could have expected! The man came over and asked for my name. When I gave it, he said, "Crystal, I'm going to pray for you!" I asked their names, too: David and Rachel. He began, "Dear Heavenly Father, I just want to thank you for sending Crystal and her family to us today! I ask, Lord, that you bless them..." and he went on another brief moment giving glory to God and asking for blessing and protection on me and my family. I then prayed for them for provisions and shade and water. If my camera had been with me I think I would've taken a picture of us all together. I wish now I had. When we left, we were all beaming with joy and wonder at what we just watched the Lord do! We discussed it on the way home. I asked the kids if they thought that $20 and gift card were valuable to me, and what types of things I could have used them for. I asked them if they thought it was hard for me to give it up. I asked them if it produced a blessing for someone else and for us. I asked them if it was worth it. I asked Abigail, "Now do you understand sacrifice?" For more reading on sacrifice, try these passages: Genesis 22:1-19 Abraham offers Isaac. 1 Samuel 1 Hannah gives her only son to the Lord. 2 Samuel 23:13-17 David pours out water from Bethlehem's well unto the Lord as a drink offering 2 Samuel 24:18-24 David can't make a sacrifice that cost him nothing. Mark 12:41-44 The widow gives all she has. Luke 7:36-50 The sinful woman pours perfumed oil on Jesus' feet. John 19 Jesus offers Himself as the ultimate sacrifice. |
Working on the Walk...
More than just being a parent, my job is to teach my children about the Lord, so that when they are old enough, they can choose to walk with Him or away from Him. I pray they walk with Him. See my latest efforts to impact their hearts for eternity here! Jump to these posts!
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