I read a blog post about why it's ok to yell at your kids. The author describes how there are two types of families: "sweet" and "spicy". She asserts that the sweet families generally don't yell, but can sometimes seem to be a little on the emotionally distant or reserved side, whereas the spicy families yell proportionately more, but despite that can be more emotionally connected because they are overall more emotional, and seem more transparent and "real".
She also states that Sweet and Spicy don't understand eachother. Each family style is just foreign to the other, so there can be a lot of judgement placed especially from the Sweet parents on the Spicy parents, claiming that Spicy parents are emotionally abusing their children by yelling. I appreciate the article. However I'd disagree with the 'sweet and spicy don't get eachother'. I've seen sweet families. I can think of several families I know personally who fit into that category! They are certainly not perfect families, but are characterized as gentle, loving, and kind. There is a ton of love there! Not just stoic tolerance of one anothers' existences. All of the "sweet" families I know--and there are many!--are tight-knit, close, friendly, and loving! I would never call an emotionally-disconnected family "sweet". I'd call that "bland". And I'd never call a loud, angry family "spicy". I'd call that "bitter". My husband and I grew up in "bitter" homes. And while we each had parents who love us dearly and have always shown it, the sibling relationships have taken three decades to cultivate, and they're still not fantastic, on either side! We desire to raise our kids to love eachother in action, attitude, and words. However... despite our desires, our family is not the "sweet" Pinterest image I have in my head. Yelling is a very weak spot for me. My poor example of yelling and generally being frustrated, sarcastic, rude, highly volatile, overy reactive, and belittling to the kids has trickled down to them and they do it to eachother. And my husband, who never yelled at anyone in his life, over time has begun (albeit infrequently) shouting at the kids in frustration. And it grieves me deeply. However there is hope! Recently, as in the last few days, the Lord has given me new resolve to kindness and has been turning my heart toward my husband and children! I've been less emotionally charged AND more emotionally connected! Praise God! And I'm seeing the kids try harder to be kind to each other! In just a few days! Further, her analysis is based on the world's perspective of things. But there are things that go deeper and dig roots into the hearts of our children! Things like sarcasm and humiliation and ridicule. And forgiveness and grace and encouragement. The Bible speaks clearly in MANY places about the importance of taming the tongue, speaking truth in love, loving in word AND in action, not joking at someone's expense, and how the heart is made publicly visible by the outflow of the words of our mouths! So while I get her point, "give yourself grace; they'll be just fine", I do not think her analysis of "sweet" and "salty" is completely on-point. Our goal for our family, because we desire to honor Christ and be an example of His love and grace, as well as a testimony to those around us, is to be "sweet" AND "emotionally connected" AND "real/transparent"; to love in our attitudes, actions, and words, which includes tone and intent! And I believe that not only is it possible, but it's ideal. And one day, maybe, we'll get there!
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January 2018
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